// “…for always and ever, my mommy you’ll be.”//

It’s not a shock to most people who read this that my mother and I have what I would refer to as a fractured relationship. She is not a bad person, nor did she ever do me any harm. Later in life, I found out that she had an illness that was the catalyst for most of the behaviors that I had long since attributed to bad parenting. Although I am in a constant state of struggle and turmoil in regards to how to be the best son, I have long since released my mind of the thoughts of he being the best mother.

This topic is often important to me because it relates to the way i avoid situations or ideas that are upsetting. My mother seems to do the same. Although I recognize how things are today, I don’t know if my mother will ever be able to see my life from my point of view, much to her chagrin I’m not sure I could ever understand her from my shoes either.

My whole life it seems I have tried to put my size 11 in her size 9. I figured out that you can’t love from that position.

When I was a kid, my mom used to read me this book about a mom that reads to her son before bed, and then says

I’ll love you forever, I’ll love you for always, for always and ever my baby you’ll be.

I’m not going to be all sentimental, but there have been seminal moments in my life where the simplicity and idealism of that childhood memory of my mother reading that too me in bed with my Sesame Street sheets and my twin comforter didn’t make me want to release the world and just find peace- but that was not my story.

Fractured as I have called my relationship, means it is neither beyond the realm of repair, not in the midst of the process of renewal. It does however imply that growth and healing can occur. It is tough to imagine how independent I became in the midst of being surrounded by so many great woman. Strong, individual, collective care and support for me as a child. As I grow older, I am able to reflect on the promises in that child’s story- where in the end, the son carried the aged mother to her bed, and as he lays her down, he says “I’ll love you forever, I’ll love you for always, for always and ever my mommy you’ll be.”

Parenting isn’t easy. Quite honestly it mortifies me. All that responsibility and all that rigor, care, and compassion, selflessness, and desire- I heard once that our parents are just people who had kids. When I frame it like that, my mother become less of a distant shadow, and more and more of a prominent idea of how and who I am.

For always, and ever. That’s all it really is. I hope someday it turns out that way.

I am a leader. I hate to follow. I despise task delegation to others because I just KNOW they will screw it up.

The point is, that all though college my professors told me I would have to work with others, but you cannot always work with others. Task delegation and symbiotic relationships only work if everyone is on an even playing field. I suppose if you’re really inclined to not believe me, take for instance this Harvard Business Review on teams and building talent and you can see how important it is to use the best talent in the best places.

As I grow as a manager, and as an intern, it is and has always been my goal to achieve the best product though hiring the best talent. It’s a hard job. My “dad” works for a large firm. He calls himself “The King” and yet he is always continually evaluating and creating change in his environment to foster “best practices.” He is always aware of his work, the place he takes in his workforce, and how to capitalize on being honest and full of integrity in a place that can be swayed by emotion. He works in the Public Sector, so he is responsible to “share holders” that are also government officials. His “product” is often very fragile, volatile, or even unstable at times. He manages inventory with help from law enforcement, and has to answer to many people at any given day, but he has taught me one thing:

You are responsible for that actions of all of your staff, and you take that personally. It is always your fault because you are the leader.

He’s a pretty phenomenal leader. He raised some phenomenal leaders in children as well. My best-friend/sister has traveled the world. She is about the only woman I know who can be dropped off in a foreign country, and survive for weeks if she needed to and still be able to get home. She is a force of nature. She never has a “okay you can stop and bullshit” kind of attitude. It is always “you’re not going to stop or you’ll die because this isn’t really what you want so stop bitching and go do it, okay? Kisses” kind of attitude.

She was such a great leader that she got her Parents to follow me into letting me stay with them. Together we have built a pretty tight family core of caring, respect, honesty, and integrity. All things I already knew, and practiced, but not in a family situation.

Leadership is always a choice. You don’t have to become a powerful person, or even a strong person to lead, you just have to be aware. Become aware always of who you are, what you say, where you say it, who you say it to, how you say it.

Emotional Intelligence

The key to a great leader is being emotionally intelligent. My keystone article for this idea comes from a HBR article in 2004 called What Makes A Leader perhaps this is why I am so driven.

As I work from now till September 22nd I hope that I can continue to illuminate the ideas of what it means to be and intern, and how my process can help others who are traveling the same road.

A big thank you to my family, My professors Dr.Susan Kruml, Dr. M. Kushniroff, and Dr. J. Mark Munoz for helping me complete this idea.